This is not necessarily the story of mine.It may be the pieces of stories of many people-wearing the niqab-covering their aurah to the best they can.This a sharing-caring-loving session,and the values YOU get in this is what really matters.
Redupnya Iman
It was a fine-miracle-eventful-day,yet the air of ordinary is still there.Iman Zinnirah woke up that day with mixed feelings.She had never planned this at the very first place,neither did she suspect it would come to her this fast.The feeling just came,stay in her heart,like a an infectious disease,conquering her thought.
She had never reasoned her heart about this before,never have a deeper thought about that,yet how come she had been so determined?Until today,she had never come to a conclusion regarding how would this happen.She just know that miracle can happen,and she is the happiest and blessed person to be chosen.
It was a grace friday,on the last week of that month,did a saurah happened to Iman Zinnirah .
It was a start,A change-A revolution-A significant hijrah.
She had a study circle that morning and she get prepared nervously-she can feel as if her heart keep doing back flips and bouncing off her ribcage .Not a good sign,she mumbled.Ironing her attire was never her favourite things to do,yet that day she was doing it with anxiety.
While doing the ironing,she noticed the presence of Ana A’isyah,her precious little sister and housemate.
Out of nowhere,she asked,
“A’isyah,what do you think about wearing a niqab?”
A’isyah,in the middle of her studying and frown eyebrows,looked at her and said,
“Kak Iman,truthfully,i’ve long thought about wearing it,especially here,in Egypt.But then something always come out,and i lost my determination and keep hesitating in doing so.When we were evacuated to Malaysia earlier,because of Egypt’s Revolutions,i’ve been so determined and had set my mind up that when i come back to Egypt,i’ll wear a niqab,for the new term.But then,i never have.i dunno what happen,my heart never stop questioning the reason of me wearing a niqab.But i do think its a good thing towards mardhatillah..its just,i myself couldnt force myself to.Just the thought and feel can’t get me nowhere.I need more strenght.Maybe i just weak,Kak Iman.. “
She ended her opinion with a frustrated sigh.
Iman said,
“Kak Iman knows your feeling.Maybe not exactly,but i do recognized ‘that’ feeling.Its just,we don't have the guts to do it.Sometimes,when time are tough,we start to questioned our judgement.Actually,we just need a ‘push’ to root our decision.Waiting and just waiting for the so called ‘right time’ is an aimless plan.’That’ time will never come,unless we do it,right away,right after the thought came up again,right?”
Ana A’isyah looked at Iman Zinnirah with a glassy sight.Iman can feel that in her too and she continue,
“I really wish I can wear it,right away,without much thought.Because if I start thinking about it and do nothing,I’ll start questioned myself again.Every possible worries will pop up in my head and the intention will be flying away again.May Allah blessed and ease my path towards it.InsyaAllah,i’ll pray for you too,sis..”
When Iman Zinnirah reach the study circle,she immeately rush to her naqibah, Ahyana Muslihah.Wearing the niqab herself,Iman Zinnirah believed that she is the right one for her to confide in.
“Akak,I have something to tell you.Only to you.Do you think you can spare sometime for me after the study circle?”
“Well..yes,of course dear.”
The study circle ended up after the commence of Zuhr azan.Iman Zinnirah went to Ahyana’s house to pray.While waiting the turn to use the hamam,she take that chance to begin unreveal her heart.
“Kak Ahyana,there’s something bugging me,and i had it enough.I had once,now and then,thinking about it,even imagining about it.But i never really ‘see’ myself in it.”
“What is it?I’m not quiet getting the point.Are you saying...”
Iman pull herself together and finally said,
“Kak Ahyana,i would like to wear a niqab.I know,i’m not that good of a muslim,i’m not that pious,but i can’t take it anymore.I feel a sudden urge to wear it,no matter what.I’m sick of my weak self,wanting to do good things,but not willing to take the risk.Wanting to get the reward offered by Allah,but not willing to do sacrifices.”
She exhale and continue,
“All this time,I’m not quiet sure about niqab,let alone to actually wearing it.Five,ten years ago,I would never imagine someone like me would have the intention in doing so.I see it as a good thing,a symbol for those who really have a strong faith.But me,in niqab?That’s huge!I’m just an ordinary muslim,just doing wajib things,never do extras,let alone the sunat ones.I never come across to that thought.But,as the time pass,i can feel that I'm slowly changing,because of many things.When I was about 17,I began doing every sunat that i know.I began excel in my studies and I began to know Allah,His Prophet,His Kalam and Islam more.”
By that,tears starts to well up in my eyes.Kak Ahyana is in silence,just patiently listen.
“By the time I was 18,my best friend in Maahad wore a niqab.That’s the closes encounter I had with a niqabiah.When I’m doing my diploma,I was very amiable,active,known by most people and held up many positions.I was satisfied with myself,because being the one and only girls wearing tudung labuh there,its sort of an achievement to be able to do the things I do.But then i feel empty inside. Eventhough I was very talkative,I’m actually did feel really embarassed,talking and meeting with guys.I know,it’s part of the job,but I do feel guilty about it.”
“At that point,every now and then,the thought of wearing a niqab keep floating in my head.But I do nothing,because i know,i cant do that in local universities.It would be the best thing not to even think about it.After i finished studies,i went for a practical in hospital.There,I had a new naqibah and she is a graduate from Jordan,a wife to a doctor in that same hospital.She’s wearing a niqab and have been doing so for more than 14 years.I can tell you,she’s one of the reason that moved my heart a lil’ bit.But then,i’m in a government hospital,being an intern,in a safest state in Malaysia and all....It’s just so not a right time to put myself into thinking of wearing it.The thought keep floating..keep come up to the surface,but most of the time,its sunk in”
“After finishing a year of practical,I got this chance to pursue my studies here,in Egypt.By that,the niqab things come lingering in my mind again.But I just let it be.When I finally came here,seeing some Malaysian actually wearing it,the encouraging surrounding-lots of Egyptians are wearing it,even more up forward than our Malaysian style-I began to dream again.Someday,at some point,I will be wearing it here-although maybe not in Malaysia.I wanted to be the one who wear it,even just once in my life.This is my chance,I thought.I started to pray everytime in my solat,wishing that Allah would give me strenght and ease the path for me.If Allah had intended me to do so,He will give me signs.”
“And believe it or not,He did give me those signs!My heart keeps fluttering endlessly when I see how beautiful and serene it was for people who wear a niqab,plus how grace their akhlak are,how nice they mixed with people,as if nothing is different from those who weren’t-but they are better in some point.I wanted to be better.I can feel myself drawn nearer to those things and any unwanted perspective of niqab vanished one by one.I can also feel God is really watching me,and the needs for me to be even nearer to God than I’m already have.There are some signs that really make me moved.But the newest is last night,when i’m opening my naqibah’s blog-she’s currently in Australia,accompanying her husband doing a PhD there-the big title that hung elegantly upon the blog is “I want to wear a niqab” .Then this morning,when I’m checking the new Zagazine,the first page I turn ,my eyes stuck on an advertisement about a service to sew a hijab and niqab.You may think how paranoid i am,get so touchy of seeing a little things as this.Say I’m paranoid,delutional or what,but I sincerely believe that this is not a coincident.Nothing is coincident in this world.I believe,everything have been planned nicely by Allah,and it’s His taqdir that I’m blessed to receive it.Maybe this is A SIGN I have been waiting for.”
Iman Zinnirah shed the tears that begin to trick down her cheecks,blurring her vision.She find its hard to continue her words,as if there is a lump the size of a fist nestled in her throat.
“I have packed myself with the hukum and dalil of niqab,long ago,before actually being this determined.I think its a must for me to know this things,to make sure I can answer every corner of question that surely would be bombarded to me after this- and for myself,to believed that I’m doing a really good and right thing.People may say I’m changing too fast,they’ll surely would be flabbergasted to see me after this,but I didnt care what people will say.Say what they want,because I’m not doing this to hear others words-I only wanted to hear what Allah would say about me.I might be criticised,such as,why i’m wearing a niqab suddenly-i’m not good enough to be wearing a niqab,just a hijab will do-I should improve myself first,don’t rush into wearing a niqab since I’m not ready and not that perfect – know what?I dont care...This is a matter between me and Allah and His opinion is what matters the most.Plus,I dont have to had a reason for doing ibadah,rite?And neither do I need to answer them or reasoned them.What right do they have to questioned me?”
Iman smile a victory.Almost all the things that bundle up in her heart have been spilled out.
“MasyaAllah,Iman..I was so proud of you my dear!Dont be sad..Its true,you will find it difficult at first.People may judge you and hurt you.You will feel awkward wearing a niqab,as if every eyes are watching you-but its not because you are doing a sin,its because you are doing a deed that is difficult for many people to actually do it.People may talk,but it will make you stronger.I hope you wont budge from your decision and may Allah blessed you.”
I replied,
“Syukran,Kak Ahyana.To be honest,I myself never imagine that I would be this determined to wear niqab,this fast,and without planning.I never plan to actually wear it today,but insyaAllah,I’ll wear it on my way back home.”
“Oh,have you got one?”
“Nope..but I actually borrowed it from my friend,Najiah Naufal.You know her?”
“Of course.If you want any help,just ask,ok?”
“I will,thanks Kak Ahyana.For being a listener.” Iman smile.
Ahyana Muslihah also did give a smile and Iman Zinnirah feel more light than ever.
To Be Continued...
